Maybe You'll Know When You See It

Song of the Day: 'White Shadows', Coldplay

I spend a lot of time wondering if my friends think I'm stupid.

Not all of my friends. Just the llamas, really.

And I know for a fact that I'm not - my own intellect and intelligence isn't in question. Just the fact that, sometimes, I feel like my friends actually think I'm an imbecile.

I've never been part of a more - ah, shall we say, at odds, group. We butt heads. A lot.

Part of that comes from the fact that we are all very different people. We came into this friendship with other groups, other friends, other outlets. We sustained our friendship because we became comrades. Once we made it through sophomore year together, emphasis on together, we just became Together. We had each others backs, we kept each other from going off the deep end and starting a campus wide mass murder spree - frankly, it took almost as much work to make it through last year together as it did to make it through at all.

Which is why we're so close, so tight. We really do have each other's best interests at heart, we care and love each other - I think, most notably, when very few others had tried previously to do so.

My problem is that we're just so goddamn condescending to each other. We mock, we make fun, we're sarcastic and just plain assholes to each other. And really, that's how it's always been. It's easy to make a joke at someone else's expense, and I've been the butt as much as anyone else. That's not the issue - I've made my fair share of japes, as we make it quite easy for each other.

That's where the issue lies - we allow ourselves to be dicks. Our dynamic is so harsh and mean and just plain awful. We go for the low blow, the easy joke, and we don't bother to take notice if we've gone too far or not.

I think the reason it never really bothered me before was because I didn't have a break from it. I spent this past summer with Frankie, almost all of it - she got a car, so this was the first time we could easily spend time together since, really, ever. And our relationship is filled with so much love and understanding and sympathy and empathy and allthatisgoodinrelationships that to come from THAT to the barbed stichomythia that is Llama Dynamic - certainly not an upgrade.

From THAT comes the condescension, and it just pisses me off a lot of the time. It also makes me feel like they actually don't respect me at all. I get a lot of 'oh, sweetie's from them, when I'm under a misconception or just don't understand something. EXCUSE ME FOR BREATHING. I'M GOOD AT OTHER THINGS. I'M ALLOWED TO MAKE MISTAKES AND NOT KNOW ALL THE THINGS THAT YOU KNOW. Whatever falls under the moniker Common Knowledge is small, limited, condensed, and abbreviated because the world population is gi-freaking-normous and NO ONE can possibly know All Things. What's common knowledge to YOU might not be to ME, and just because I don't know it doesn't mean I'm stupid or unedumacated or inferior. I have plenty of time to learn the things unlearned, and plenty of time to make mistakes and learn from those on the way.

Huff.

There's really no good way to handle this. Me being ME, I will, of course, handle it poorly and be passive aggressive. I'll try to tone down my contribution and hope that they realize I'm not taking it well when they throw things my way. I'll react badly and probably throw it back at them unintentionally, and then feel horrible about it later. I might end up just spending less time with them en mass, which I don't want. I do love them and enjoy spending time with them, I always have. But that's probably the way things are going to happen, and then someone will say offhand that they miss me and if I try to explain they'll say 'well, why didn't you SAY anything?' to which I'll say 'I SHOULDN'T FUCKING HAVE TO'.

Dammit.

Even if I TRY to say something, they'll come back with 'That's just how things are, Abbie. It's how we function as a collective and probably one of the few reasons we're friends.'

Or something less eloquent like 'Get over it, we're not gonna change.'

Sigh.

In other news, I'm covered in bruises from set construction, I have a surprising amount of free time, I'm getting enough sleep, and I may very shortly have a new job. Yays!

I'd also like to point out that I have officially said the word 'butt' three times in this post. Giggle.

'You cut me down to size
and opened up my eyes
made me realize
what I could not see...' - 'Swallowed in the Sea', Coldplay