Oh Baby, I Can't Even EXplain.

It's just past five in the morning here. I finished 'Looking for Alaska' by John Green about thirty minutes ago. Ra Ra Riot's 'Can You Tell' has been on repeat for the past twenty. My tummy has been dissatisfied with me for the past couple hours. None of my neighbors are home so I've been singing (albeit quietly) when I shower. I'm very aware of my chin and how it looks doubled, but that's a genetic thing, not a fat thing, so I try not to worry. I'm afraid I may have weirded away one of my friends. There's lots of snow on the ground. I got to wear one of my new shirts today, and get to wear another one tomorrow. Me and Lee are shirt twins. I really want to cry, but I think I might be too emotionally tired to produce tears, and yet not physically tired enough to sleep. I split an infinitive in that last sentence. For some reason, I only tune in to the song just as it gets to the end and then starts up again. I've run into my RA a number of times while he's been shirtless, and he always looks a little sheepish walking around without a shirt on - I wonder why he does it, if he cares if he gets caught. I think my roommate is unnecessarily selfish sometimes, but I still love her for how much she cares. I didn't know that elephants were violent, but I guess they can be. I really like when I can be hanging out with someone, but not necessarily need to talk to be comfortable. I want to adopt all the puppies in the world. I don't think I've seen the first three Star Wars (the bad ones) more than once each. Sometimes I wish corsets were still fashionable and/or affordable. I've been buying a lot of clothing lately because A) I can technically afford to, and B) I think it'll do a lot more for my self-esteem and self-image. I really like harmonizing to music. I really want a platypus. I think my next tattoo is gonna be Winnie-the-Pooh as a little black raincloud, possibly on the front of my right shoulder (chest area). I'm very aware of other peoples body odor. The second ballast in our overhead light has been out since last semester. I'm more excited for my 'Religions of India' class than most of my drama courses. I got notebooks for most of my classes made of recycled paper and I'm really excited to use them. I've began washing my face before going to sleep at night, and I think it's a good idea. Sometimes I feel like my friends aren't actually interested in me as a person because they don't seem as curious about me as I am about them. I love reading other peoples text messages, especially when the conversation is occurring near me. The underside of my hair is now purple, and will next probably be raspberry.

I've been writing for ten minutes now, just trying to think of things to say. Bad things, good things, silly things, important things, trivial things, random musings, reoccurring thoughts, etc. I think people forget about the etc. We don't remember there's always more than meets the eye, and we can never see all of someone because we only have our own pair of eyes with which to view them.

We also forget about the ideas. The feelings. I need to stop (or rather, start) trying to get good grades so I can pass my classes - I should instead aim for the knowledge I'm going to gain and the future it will allow for. I need to stop planning so far ahead - not all together, but to an extent, because we don't know who or how or what or where or maybe even when we'll be a few years, months, days, hours from now.

'Permanent' isn't really that good of an idea to constantly remember, even though there are only constant reminders - such is the way with permanency. But permanency isn't. Not really. Not in the big scheme of things. It can be for a while, and it can be good, maybe even great, but it's only for a while, and people should try to remember that more often. Not the impending, doomed 'it will end', just that 'it won't always be'. It's not forever. Forever is too abstract for permanency.

'Oh, can you tell I'm losing sleep?
Oh, what am I supposed to do?'

How Fickle My Heart and How Woozy My Eyes...

Song of the Day: ‘Ramona’, Guster

What is the most important question human beings must answer? Choose your question wisely, and then examine how Islam, Buddhism, and Christianity attempt to answer it.

John Green posits this question in his book ‘Looking for Alaska’ in the form of a world religions essay topic. Damn, this man is good.

By introducing it as an exam question deeply buried within the plot of the book, he asks the readers the same question in a roundabout way. Now, I’m only halfway through the book as of yet, so I’m not quite sure how it’ll come into play later, or if it does at all - but it’s John Green, so I imagine it’ll have more to do with the story than most readers originally think.

I can’t help but contemplate it, myself. Now, I don’t know much about world religions, so I probably won’t spend a whole lot of time answering the second half of the question. But the first part, at least, has really struck me.

In my head, I break it down to three parts: ‘what IS the most important question’; ‘human beings’, and ‘MUST answer’. This breakdown leads me to more questions, mostly about Green’s word choice. Why ‘must’? Where’s the urgency? Who determines why it’s urgent, if it is at all? Why distinctly ‘human beings’? Is it to differentiate us from other species? Is it to make us think we are a different species? Or just to prompt us to contemplate our relation to other species and identify what, if anything, DOES make us different?

I think it’s somewhere along those lines. And what really sticks out to me is the fat that human beings are infamous for, well, thinking. For asking questions. For contemplating and deducing and reasoning and all those wonderful things associated with a higher level of brain activity.

Which isn’t to say that we’re the only beings on Earth with a higher mental capacity - I really have no idea either way. To me, we’re simply the most vocal about our intelligence. And I highly doubt that so much outer space could exist without there being other intelligent life out there. I certainly hope that human beings aren’t the most intelligent beings in the universe. What a scary thought.

That being said, I think the fact that human beings have managed to maintain such a high level of brain activity certainly makes us different from many other species on this plant. Maybe not all, but they’re not speaking up, so I digress.

It seems to me the word ‘must’ with all it’s urgency is utilized because that’s how must people go about addressing ‘the most important question’ to them on a personal level.

What I don’t understand is why that urgency and that personal a question develops into something the public at large, as a WHOLE, is required to answer. It just seems like such a personal question that should A) be answered on a PERSONAL LEVEL and B) shouldn’t really be asked of others unless they’ve expressed an interest in sharing their own ‘most important question’ with others.

But that’s really it’s own tangent. Back to the question at large: ‘What is the most important question human beings must answer?’ This makes me wonder: why must human beings answer any question at all? Not necessarily in a ‘people can do whatever they want / don’t answer to no one’ way. Really, it’s more along the lines of why do human beings need an answer at all?

To my this falls somewhere along the lines of ‘Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy’ and the question they ask the super computer” What is the answer to life, the universe, and everything?’ Naturally, the answer to THAT question is 42 - but I don’t think that’s the question everyone’s clamoring to answer. At least, not such a specific question.

I think there are two questions, nut an individual will probably only ever ask themselves one. The most common is ‘Why?’ - the less often asked ‘Why not?’

Anyone of a religious nature is the ‘why’ asker - you can tell because they have an answer at all, and that answer is invariably along the lines of ‘for eternal salvation’ or ‘to spend the afterlife in the presence of God/Kingdom of Heaven’, etc. Which is all well and good - these people believe themselves to have found a purpose, to have obtained a goal. It’s an admirable quest at all, and honestly remarkable that they’ve found that one think in their life that they wholeheartedly believe and strive for.

But I think I, personally, am of the second mindset. I ask myself ‘why not?’ Not to be contrary, not because I find myself lacking a directed faith or a religion to which I’m comfortable subscribing, but because I find myself not needing an answer. I first asked myself ‘why’ and answered with ‘why not’ - so why not?

Maybe if I were to spend more time in thought I’d explore the possibility that maybe they’re not religion or no-religion questions. Maybe there are more categories, maybe even more or rather different questions than the tow I’ve thought up. But for now, my hand is cramping because I’m handwriting this, as I’m currently on a plane with no internet, and thus, no access to my blog.

On a side note, the guy sitting next to me is a fairly attractive, hipster-chic graduate student attending Harvard University in the pursuit of the anthropological intricacies of a not-well-known sect (I can’t remember the name) of Islam of which, apparently, there are maybe one million believers. I wonder what he would have to say on the subject... 

‘But now my heart stumbles on things I don’t know
my weakness I feel I must finally show.’ - ‘Awake My Soul’, Mumford & Sons

Do You Remember the Sound of Snow?

Song of the Day: '12 Fingers', Young The Giant

Within the past few of months, a couple of my really good friends (one from school and one from home) have both been dumped by their respective boyfriends. This has led me to some thinking.

Now, I've never been in a serious relationship, so I'm just gonna say it now: I have a different point of view than they do. Obviously so. I haven't experienced that kind of loss and couldn't even begin to properly empathize. But I am a severely sympathetic person in general, so I understand - to an extent - and respect their grief and their pain.

That being said, what the ever loving FUCK?

The one from school is decidedly friendly with her ex and has been since they split. Sure, there was a couple days where they weren't in contact, but after they cooled off and it was all officially 'over' they became weirdly buddy-buddy. Friend-from-school even said it was like they were still dating, but minus the sex - with which she is evidently none too happy.

And then there's my friend-from-home. Her boyfriend was her entire world for just under a year and now is at a complete loss as to what to do with herself. She also won't entirely come to terms with the split up. Which, under the circumstances, is totally understandable. I'm just not gonna go into it in writing form because it takes DAAAAAYS to explain (notreallybutstill).

Disclaimer: I'm not ragging on the general state of post-breakup women everywhere. Just these two.

I just don't quite understand. After a long period of time of official significant-otherdom - and yes, I do believe both of these ladies were honestly in love and their respective boyfriends fully reciprocated - how are these good ways to handle the situation? Blubbering mess is fine. Understandable, even. But 'still gonna be friends'? WHY would you do that to yourself?

I mean, it's definitely a commendable and worthy goal - emphasis on GOAL. As in, long-term. Far away. After the mourning period. After the raging and screaming and hating period. Why would you try to go through even the subtlest of mourning periods about losing the guy you loved and try to be friends? Why would you even try and do those things at the same time?

Again, definitely a worthy goal. Barring infidelity or murder, some relationships can ideally be salvaged from the broken ship of significant-otherdom and still maintain a friendship (ha! punny) - at some point. After a little time has passed. When the wounds aren't so fresh and you can remember that the good times outweighed the bad ones, and overall is was a great relationship full of love and learning and a worthwhile experience.

But then there's friend-from-home and her inability to function. She's sad all the time. Or she's mad. She can't refrain from texting him (he won't take her phone calls or skype with her) or thinking about the situation and how heartbroken she is or TALKING ABOUT IT WITH EVERYONE EVER.

I'm really really not trying to make her, her pain, grief, or heartbreak insignificant. I promise.

She's just NOT. HANDLING. IT. No adverb required, there is NO handling to be had. She's festering. She's stewing. She's simply letting the wound rot by poking and prodding it to see if it's actually there or not, and then TALKING IT TO DEATH.

....I may or may not be getting fed up with hearing the same damn shit every time we hang out.

Which, honestly, may call into question how much I care. I mean, I do. I love her to pieces and it sucks big hairy donkey balls that this happened at all and I wish she weren't feeling this pain and I wanna punch the ever-loving shit out of this dick who says 'he just doesn't want a relationship right now' (you couldn't have figured that out sooner? Mayhaps a lot more before your 1-year anniversary? Come on, dude.).

I really just don't like the way my girlfriends are handling themselves. Breaking up sucks. Majorly. It's kind of a law of life. But pretending there's nothing to mourn is like a twisted way of saying there's nothing worth remembering. And ostriching up, head completely in the sand, is such an unhealthy way of handling everything. Ever. 'If I can't see it, it's not real' stopped applying when we realized there aren't actually monsters under the bed. Then there actually wasn't something to fear, simply the extent of our own imaginations.

People are stupid.

'Lovin' is easy, lovin' is easy
but losing is hard
ain't it high grade, powerful stuff?' - 'Girl Police', The Dudes

And it's My War, it's My War...

Song of the Day: 'My Body', Young the Giant

I have very little drive.

Very little motivation.

Very little.... to do. Kind of in general.

Granted, I'm on winter break, so this perpetual feeling of listlessness is kind of understandable.

Kinda.

But I have a hard time not believing this is how I'll feel whenever I don't have anything to do. Which in itself makes perfect sense - when you've nothing to do, your mind wanders. You get bored, potentially listless. Totally understandable.

I think it's that when I AM doing something, I'm never just doing it to do it. I do it with an end goal. There's always an end goal. Which, again, is understandable. I'm in college. That's kind of what we do. Frankly, that's what we've been programmed to do since day 1 of Kindergarten. Possibly even preschool, though I don't really remember.

The big goal is 'graduate college'. Even after that we've a goal - 'land the dream job'. Throughout college, we strive to finish our papers and projects, pass all of our classes, cultivate relationships and connections and make the procuring of the dream job slightly easier. But we're always doing so for something else.

There's very little 'do for the sake of doing' when it comes to school. If it won't be beneficial to that ever imminent 'future' all the professors and authority figures and mentors and adults in general pontificate about, we're not pushed to do it. By anyone. Least of all ourselves.

Well, maybe some people. The friends and family who would have you find 'your inner self' and 'become your own person', and all that. Which I don't mean to scorn, not at all. It's just that we're all of us forced into the mindset of 'preparing for the future', even if we're not entirely sure of what that'll eventually entail. Even if we're not sure of what we WANT it to eventually entail.

On a slightly-different-but-still-related note, I don't have things to do and people to see everyday. Which in itself is nice - days to lounge about and read a book are utterly fantastic, and I'll more than miss them once next semester begins. But with so. very. little. to do. after SUCH a flurry of frantic chaos last semester - it's jarring. Yes, I took the first few days of my (real) break to unwind and detach and become more sane (less insane, really) again. But after that... I dunno. I just wish I had a project or an adventure or a something to do or see.

It doesn't help that my parents work, most of my friends-from-home have already started classes again, I don't drive, and my break doesn't end for three more weeks.

Another less-than-fun perpetual awareness of mine is how very single I am. Which I WISH didn't take up so much of my thinking time, of which I have an insurmountable abundance at present. But it seems the lack of enough somethings to distract me has turned into a reminder or the lack of someones in my life.

God, I sound so ridiculous. Small. Silly. Lonely. Girly. Introverted. Pathetic. Not-self aware.

Human.

Sigh.

It makes me forget the things I've accomplished. I have to actively remind myself that I published a book of poetry. That I got an awesome tattoo. That I was one of five who got into the BFA program, out of the eight that applied. That the underside of my hair is a fantastic shade of blue. That I successfully made it through first semester of sophomore year and raised the shit out of my GPA. That I've friends and family and personality enough to be completely content.

And yet I'm not.

The lack of the things to be doing and the people to be talking to always boils down to the lack of a 'significant other' in my life. Why must my brain make that the answer to this convoluted and unnecessary equation?

Why must I be so goddamn human?

Yeesh.

'Life's too short to even care at all, oh,
I'm losing my mind, losing my mind, losing control...' - 'Cough Syrup', Young the Giant