You Can't Hate the Night if You've Lived Your Whole Life Without Light

Song of the Day: 'A Song About an Anglerfish', Hank Green

I can feel it.

I can FEEEEEEL it.

Change. It's coming. And I'm excited. WOO.

Classes are starting, I get to see my school friends again, I get to be in NEW YORK again! I'm gonna kick ass at my classes and bump up that GPA. Drives to the beach and crazy theatre antics on campus. Dance parties and 'How I Met Your Mother' marathon. Damn, I'm even excited for the HUMIDITY. I'm more excited for the chance to wear my new coat in the cold of autumn with one of my thirty odd scarves, but still! NEW YORK!

Aside: even though I know the lyrics to that one song about New York are 'concrete jungle where dreams are made of', I like the Christina Aguilera Wrong Lyrics meme version: 'CONCRETE JUNGLE WET DREAM TOMAAATOOOOO!'

I've been packing. I've been vetting the music in my iTunes that I haven't gotten around to because I wasn't in the mood and/or had other things to do/listen to. Note: Hank Green is hilarious. Me gusta.

I didn't realise how much I miss campus. I'm so excited to get to the dorm and unpack everything. Hell, I'm excited to do my own laundry. Even if my drying rack drives Meg crazy.

The DESIGN STUDIO, man! I get to be with the People of Awesome and my Llamas and watch movies and be theatretastically artistic. I get to assistant stage manage RENT with two of my best friends. We're gonna drive each other insane, but we'll be doing it TOGETHER.

And this summer has been fantastic to boot. Amazing friends with wonderful memories: Woodland Park Zoo, Columbia Tower, spaceship driving, Harry Freakin' Potter, my tattoo, and numerous girls' days out! My friends are AWESOME.

PLUS I got to spend so much time at the theatre, working on shows and meeting fantastic people! I've got a standing invitation to work at Driftwood whenever I've the time and the energy, so next summer is SET.

The possibility of me actually going to London for January session might just come to fruition. I talked to my parents, who I thought would advise against going and instead save money for my Spring Semester, but they think if it's feasible, it would be a fantastic opportunity. It's not like I'll be getting to London anytime soon on my own, so I might as well take advantage of it and go through the school. It's probably a crapton cheaper this way, too.

THINGS. HAPPENING. TO ME. HALLELUJAHS.

Also, if words decide to be fancy and spell themselves in the British fashion, it's because my computer thinks it's British now and the red squiggly lines came up under them, and those DRIVE ME BATTY.

....You can tell I'm intensely eager for things to happen because of my excessive use of ALL CAPS and the word 'excite'.

CAPITALISE ALL THE THINGS!

'Change changing places
root yourself to the ground
capitalise on this good fortune
one word can bring you round
changes!' - 'Changes', Yes

Ramblerambleramble

Song of the Day: 'Come On Eileen', Save Ferris (originally Dexys Midnight Runners)

Is it bad that the first thought I had after hearing about Hurricane Irene was to sing the song 'Come On Eileen'?

Not exactly the cleverest of thoughts, but it is mildly entertaining to replace Eileen with Irene and see what happens.

It's funny that whenever you talk to East coasters about hurricanes, they don't freak out as much as I would. I mean, a giant spiral of rapid wind and water furiously blowing its way through any and everything? Seriously? Not a twitch. But when I mention that one earthquake we had, oh, nineish years ago, they wig out. I guess there's something to be said for growing up with one or the other, but still. I'd rather take an earthquake than a hurricane.

In other news, I leave in less than a week. Buy this time next week I will hopefully be in my dorm unpacking for my sophomore year at college. Quite possibly my last year at college, but we'll address that problem when we get there.

I have officially been approved to receive a loan! Now, if only they'd GIMME THE MONEY. Something to do with needing the school to approve the loan - which is currently all but shut down due to the impending DOOM of Ms. Irene, the bitch. Classes start on the sixth, and I have yet to pay for not only all of my books and inevitable school supplies, but that little thing called TUITION. I'd LIKE not to get thrown out the minute I step on campus, thanks....

While applying for said loan, I managed to overestimate how much I'd need - by about five thousand dollars. So, that's an extra 5k for school supplies! What I'd REALLY like to do - what I probably won't do because it's not exactly the best use of money specifically loaned for university necessities - is take a course during the January session. Sure, it's a better idea than buying a car, and almost related to the money's intended use. However, I don't really think the course I want to take will actually get rid of any requirements. It will get me to LONDON, and I'll get to study British THEATRE, but while it is related to my major, it won't contribute much to my degree.

The other side of it is I can't feasibly take out another loan beyond what I will have to take out for my Spring semester - which means Spring of 2012 will probably be my last semester of college. So why waste the five thousand on a January session when I can cover some of Spring semester, and make it easier on myself when I inevitably have to take out a second loan? It's just too hard to rationalise spending my money on a three week course when it could cover about a third of what I'll have to pay for Spring.

....Except, well, LONDON. ENGLAND. BRITISH THEATRE. Dammit.

There are always scholarships, I guess. Many within the department or even within the school that could help, and I'm sure I could find some smallish scholarships to chip away at price of tuition. I just don't think it's fair that it should come to that.

But hey, I'm just a middle class white girl with average grades. I wouldn't know hardship if it came up and bit a chunk out of my parents looming credit card bills, unpaid student loans, or mortgage.

'I'm bound to ramble
all my days with another...' - 'Bound to Ramble', John Butler Trio

I Am Traveling On

Song of the Day: 'Rio', Hey Marseilles

I have officially had my tattoo for twenty days. Twenty days of being inked. And feeling awesome.

A couple days after I got my tat I submitted a picture of it to this tumblr that I follow called Fuck Yeah Tattoos. Since then, I've been checking it consistently, waiting for mine to be officially On The Internet. That is, in a more official capacity than Facebook. Obviously.

Now, I don't know if I managed to miss it, the submission box is really backed up, or if it's just not up to par, but I have yet to see it.

I'm not exactly sure what I'm hoping will happen - it's permanency sure won't be affected. My 'OH SHIT I'VE GOT A TATTOO' moment happened, well, when I got my tattoo, and the Hallelujah chorus surely wouldn't be roused a second time for this.

I don't think I'm waiting for it to be validated. It feels pretty valid to me, and any and all who have seen it have expressed their impressiveness (impressedness? impression?) and more often than not delight for me. I doubt anyone who knew me would discredit it outright as silly or impulsive without allowing me to explain it's significance. I have gone through it enough times in my head to have what exactly I would say to someone who asks what it means to me, and the various ways I will say it depending on the person's association and opinion of Harry Potter.

I think more than anything I'm waiting for it to show up so I can be 'Yep, that's my tat. NBD.' Really, I've felt pretty casual about it. Don't get me wrong, I'm in love with it and freak out appropriately whenever I show it to someone new, but it just feels so... normal. Like I've always had it, or at least been waiting for it. I don't necessarily feel more complete, but I do feel a bit more me. A bit more kickass as well, but a lot more of feeling me. And it's a nice feeling.

Plus, I got my student loan, so I can pay for little things like tuition and the like.

Good day all around, gents. Good day all around.

'It's a beautiful day outside
everything is okay and alright.' - 'Louder Than Words', HeyHiHello!

Playlist for One?

Song of the Day: 'Peroxide Swing', Michael Bublé/Frank Sinatra

So my mom and I are going out of town this weekend. Nothing special, just to my grandparental units house, about three hours south of us. But this weekend it's just me and her, cuz my dad is in Oregon visiting his dad. Wow, lots of paternal relatives this weekend.

Anywhozlebees. Because the ride down takes three hours and I lurve me some music, she's asked me to make us a playlist. She doesn't always like my stuff - some things are too graphic or too repetitive or too loud, etc. But she's quite a fan of big band and jazz and that kind of yummy vocal musics, so there's a LOT of Frank Sinatra in this playlist.

It's been fun. I like going through all 4325 of my songs and finding the ones that we'll both like. Yes, I do in fact go through ALL my music. I like being reminded of how cultured and uncultured I can be.

I've always enjoyed making playlists for my various moods and environments. There's one called 'Summer', one for 'Soft Music', and even one entitled 'Nostalgia' - mostly stuff my dad played for us when we were younger or stuff we've come across in a family setting and all really fallen in love with. Regina Spektor was one of those awesome finds, actually from my dad.

Playlists make it easier when I'm hanging with people whose musical tastes I haven't yet been exposed to. I ask can limit their exposure to my collection so they don't get weirded out by my Italian folk techno or television show theme songs or really, really bad pop music.

I'm not sure entirely why, but I get kind of self conscious about my music. I do judge people by their music - not necessarily a binding judgement, but merely a preliminary kind of judgement to see how compatible we are. Which isn't to say I won't be friends with someone because I don't like their music - one of my best friends at school listens to mostly rap and hip-hop music, and I've yet to throw her over.

When someone's going through my iTunes or wants to listen to music and says I can put on anything, I get kinda twitchy. I'm worried they'll come across something and be all 'OMYGAWD, I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU LISTEN TO THIS' or 'DUDE, WTF IS THIS' (yes, these are prime examples of how my acquaintances actually talk).

Also because someone will inevitably come across something and exclaim JUST HOW MUCH THEY LOVE THIS SONG/ARTIST/GENRE/WHATEVER and I probably haven't gotten around to listening to it yet (aka Phil and most of my stuff by the Killers).

To be honest, I haven't listened to everything in my iTunes, but that could be for any number of reasons. The most common one would be because my laptop is relatively new, and I usually put on My Top Rated if anything, so it doesn't always get to the all the songs. Also because I skip some songs depending on my mood. Another reason is because I'm always adding new stuff I've found or been given from a friend or stolen from my sister's iPod, and I forget to go through and vet and rate everything. Or just never feel in the mood.

Some songs I have for the novelty ('Kung Fu Fighting' by Carl Douglas), some for nostalgia (*NSYNC FOR THE WIN), some because someone gave it to me and I haven't made a decision about it yet (the crapton of Moby I've got in there). But most of my music came from my CD collection, my family CD collection, or friends who know what I like and don't mind sharing.

To be sure, when I put My Top Rated on random for just me, I listen to almost everything, skipping very few because I don't like them. But when there's someone else in the room, my iTunes really likes to play the embarrassing songs I don't like to admit I actually enjoy like Selena Gomez (IT'S CATCHY, OKAY).

I guess it's partially because I think my music is very telling as to the kind of person I am - but no one can listen to all of my music in one sitting, so they really only ever get to know a small portion of me.

'Makin' music

is more to me than a pleasure

cuz me and music -

we go together like notes in a measure.' - 'As Long As I'm Singing', Bobby Darin

Green Light...?

Song of the Day: 'Beautiful Dreamer', Bing Crosby

I wish my many attempts at utilizing my creativity would manifest itself into ONE SIMPLE THING so that I didn't end up with as many half finished projects as I do.

I've got a number of half-baked story ideas, few of which have actually gone anywhere. Those that do don't for long - I eventually lose interest or forget or just... meh.

Many chord progressions have been 'written' and forgotten, even more abandoned. I can't seem to complete the song writing cycle to come up with a satisfactory combination of music, melody, and words.

I took up painting and colored-pencil drawing once upon a time, and I wasn't half bad. I've a few of my itty bitty canvases around the house, mostly flowers from the garden or something outside I thought was pretty. And then that died.

I've filled a book almost halfway with poetry (though I did cross out a few of them that sucked balls), but actually feeling inspired enough to put pen to paper comes in rare waves - maybe twice a year I'll crank out five or six and then just stop.

What with Youtube and its increasing popularity, I even tried once or twice to make video blogs. I never manage to come up with a decent enough idea to actually continue with them, but I tried.

There was even a few years in elementary and middle school when I really enjoyed sewing and made all of my friends pillows for birthdays and Christmas and the like. That idea died too.

I crochet, but that comes in phases the way my poetry does - I'll get in the mood (usually around the fall) and make some scarves or hats for friends and family, as well as start a number of scarves and hats for friends and family. I usually find those incomplete projects tucked away in my closet a number of months later.

In sixth grade I tried my hand at what I thought was 'fashion design' - really just drawing random clothes and outfits to see what I got. Some of them were pretty creative, and I even 'designed' my ideal wedding dress a number of times, but then that lost its fun too.

Cooking and baking can be fun - when it's not too messy or gross or I'm baking cookies for the zillionth time.

I tried ballet for a bit when I was six or seven - that resulted in me sitting in a corner refusing to do anything. Dancing is fun, but I'm too self-conscious about my body to actually try and turn my car dancing into any type or refined skill.

Photography came and went - there's only so much you can do with a digital camera, and I didn't have the heart to really dig in and learn any of the cool aspects of it. Plus there are only so many times you can show your parents a picture of a flower and expect them to be impressed.

I want to be good at these things. I'd settle for being decently good and a few of these things. But I never get anywhere - my plans don't come full circle and ideas don't come into fruition, so I lose hope and sometimes abandon them before even trying.

Unfortunately for me, I have the attention span of a cracker and the drive of a moped.

Oy.

'Go do, you'll learn to

just let yourself fall into landslide

go do, you'll learn to

just let yourself give into low tide

go do!' - 'Go Do', Jónsi

No Idea, Really

Song of the Day: ' Lippy Kids', Elbow

Is it worse to take a life or to ruin one?

The fact that I differentiate between the two is reason to pause. I used to believe that taking someone's life was one of the most atrocious things a person could do. Now, I don't put much creed in religion in general, which has lead me to come up with my own faith. Well, not a faith, really. Just a general belief that holds some weight with me.

The animosity and disparities between religions have lead me to believe that no one is right. No one is wrong, but no ONE is right. It seems selfish - a rather human emotion, one I wouldn't expect to find in any deity who makes it a point to differentiate between his/her/themselves and humans - to select a chosen few to be the 'true believers', the rightful and righteous who are the only ones to deserve eternal salvation and protection and whatnot.

From that stemmed a question: what do all humans have in common? My brain supplied the simple answer - to live. Not to live well, to live comfortably, or to live long, but to live at all. And that's pretty damn important.

So I used to believe that taking someone's life was something unforgivable and utterly horrible. And I still think that. Granted, if it's by way of self-defense or protection of someone else, it's more often than not justifiable. Everything else that falls outside those bounds are usually seen as unwarranted and immoral, not to mention illegal. But I digress.

Would it be worse to have one's life taken or to have one's life ruined? And I don't mean in the sense of losing your love or a limb, or something - which isn't to say these aren't awful or terrifying, and as I've never experienced either, I have no valid opinion and plenty of bias.

But when faced with more dire situations - rape, death, poverty? Indeed, a situation in which many who found themselves would prefer death.

Of course, I've now asked two entirely different questions: which would be worse to commit, and which would be worse to endure. I've not a solid answer for either, but it's certainly food for thought.

'I don't want to follow death and all of his friends

and in the end

we lie awake and we dream of making our escape.' - 'Death and All of His Friends', Coldplay