All of Your Wallowing is Unbecoming

Song of the Day: 'Come Back Down', Greg Laswell ft. Sara Bareilles

I'm lost somewhere between thinking my friends are actively ignoring me because they don't care enough and they're just self-involved enough that they don't realize I'm flailing.

Or.

They've noticed and don't think it's their place to bring it up with me vs. they honestly have enough of their own shit to deal with they don't need my crap weighing them down too.

Or.

I'm being over dramatic and my life really isn't that hard vs. I don't have an efficient enough outlet for all the Ish I'm steadily avoiding and/or wallowing in and THAT is getting to me more than the legitimate problems/issues I at least think I have that aren't being addressed by me or anyone else.

.....Or some combination of all of the above?

Sigh.

I don't really know.

I waiver between caring and not caring.

...About myself.

Yeesh.

'You've gotta take it on your own from here
it's getting pathetic and I'm almost done here.' - 'Come Back Down', Greg Laswell

Maybe You'll Know When You See It

Song of the Day: 'White Shadows', Coldplay

I spend a lot of time wondering if my friends think I'm stupid.

Not all of my friends. Just the llamas, really.

And I know for a fact that I'm not - my own intellect and intelligence isn't in question. Just the fact that, sometimes, I feel like my friends actually think I'm an imbecile.

I've never been part of a more - ah, shall we say, at odds, group. We butt heads. A lot.

Part of that comes from the fact that we are all very different people. We came into this friendship with other groups, other friends, other outlets. We sustained our friendship because we became comrades. Once we made it through sophomore year together, emphasis on together, we just became Together. We had each others backs, we kept each other from going off the deep end and starting a campus wide mass murder spree - frankly, it took almost as much work to make it through last year together as it did to make it through at all.

Which is why we're so close, so tight. We really do have each other's best interests at heart, we care and love each other - I think, most notably, when very few others had tried previously to do so.

My problem is that we're just so goddamn condescending to each other. We mock, we make fun, we're sarcastic and just plain assholes to each other. And really, that's how it's always been. It's easy to make a joke at someone else's expense, and I've been the butt as much as anyone else. That's not the issue - I've made my fair share of japes, as we make it quite easy for each other.

That's where the issue lies - we allow ourselves to be dicks. Our dynamic is so harsh and mean and just plain awful. We go for the low blow, the easy joke, and we don't bother to take notice if we've gone too far or not.

I think the reason it never really bothered me before was because I didn't have a break from it. I spent this past summer with Frankie, almost all of it - she got a car, so this was the first time we could easily spend time together since, really, ever. And our relationship is filled with so much love and understanding and sympathy and empathy and allthatisgoodinrelationships that to come from THAT to the barbed stichomythia that is Llama Dynamic - certainly not an upgrade.

From THAT comes the condescension, and it just pisses me off a lot of the time. It also makes me feel like they actually don't respect me at all. I get a lot of 'oh, sweetie's from them, when I'm under a misconception or just don't understand something. EXCUSE ME FOR BREATHING. I'M GOOD AT OTHER THINGS. I'M ALLOWED TO MAKE MISTAKES AND NOT KNOW ALL THE THINGS THAT YOU KNOW. Whatever falls under the moniker Common Knowledge is small, limited, condensed, and abbreviated because the world population is gi-freaking-normous and NO ONE can possibly know All Things. What's common knowledge to YOU might not be to ME, and just because I don't know it doesn't mean I'm stupid or unedumacated or inferior. I have plenty of time to learn the things unlearned, and plenty of time to make mistakes and learn from those on the way.

Huff.

There's really no good way to handle this. Me being ME, I will, of course, handle it poorly and be passive aggressive. I'll try to tone down my contribution and hope that they realize I'm not taking it well when they throw things my way. I'll react badly and probably throw it back at them unintentionally, and then feel horrible about it later. I might end up just spending less time with them en mass, which I don't want. I do love them and enjoy spending time with them, I always have. But that's probably the way things are going to happen, and then someone will say offhand that they miss me and if I try to explain they'll say 'well, why didn't you SAY anything?' to which I'll say 'I SHOULDN'T FUCKING HAVE TO'.

Dammit.

Even if I TRY to say something, they'll come back with 'That's just how things are, Abbie. It's how we function as a collective and probably one of the few reasons we're friends.'

Or something less eloquent like 'Get over it, we're not gonna change.'

Sigh.

In other news, I'm covered in bruises from set construction, I have a surprising amount of free time, I'm getting enough sleep, and I may very shortly have a new job. Yays!

I'd also like to point out that I have officially said the word 'butt' three times in this post. Giggle.

'You cut me down to size
and opened up my eyes
made me realize
what I could not see...' - 'Swallowed in the Sea', Coldplay

So Say We All?

Song of the Day: 'Dream On', Aerosmith

I swear to God, I SWEAR to GOD, I SWEAR TO GOD I'm happy.

I got to spend the day with a couple of my bestest friends, one of whom I had not seen since January. I get to go swimming tomorrow, potentially with these two again. I got a new tattoo a little over two months ago, about which I am still psyched and super in love. I've been working out. I've been spending time lazing in the sun. I'm catching up on awesome shows like Battlestar Galactica and Law and Order: SVU. Mayhaps I'll even get to catch up on Doctor Who and other nerdtastic shows before I go back to school.

I've acquired over fifty books since being home, either by purchase or gifts - my bookcases are now full and beautiful. I have a new phone that works like magic so I'm a lot less pissed off at my technology. I've finished about 15 books this summer and am in the middle of at least four. I'm virtually ready for school to start except for a few financial things, but I'm super ready to get back to New York. I have plans within the next two and a half weeks that include seeing fantastic friends, going to see kickass movies with my family, and general awesometasticness.

I spend my days on my own schedule doing what I want - reading, movieing, chilling with friends, tv-showing, lazing in the sun, virtually whatever I please (though occasionally depending on dolla dolla bills, yo). Hell, today I ate dessert before dinner, flirted with a cute waiter, played in the ocean, collected seashells, and got to do it all with two people I genuinely love and whose company I always enjoy.

Why the fuck can that not be enough?

Dammit, I had a GOOD day. I had a GREAT day. And then there's one minuscule thing - one legitimately unimportant, NOTHING thing and it all goes to shit. Because for whatever freaking reason I'm of the mindset that the bad trumps the good and has the superability to ruin a perfect day.

I'm not sure I believe in karma, honestly. I doubt this is the world's way of telling me 'Okay, Abbie, you're too happy, soooo time to stop, kthxbai'. I'm not that fucking important for the world or universe or karma or destiny or whatever-the-hell to dictate the balance in my life. We create our own balance, and blaming something else is just another way to not take responsibility. Nah, it's just my own stupid brain latching on to the little NOTHING thing that affects me in no way just enough to destroy my Happy and ruin my Metaphorical Smile.

And now I'm just pissed at myself because my goddamn brain managed to turn everything around.

On a vaguely related note, I had a conversation today with my friend concerning significant others and the idea of being 'emotionally independent' or 'emotionally stable'. I have trouble with the concept that people should not be emotionally dependent on other people. I hate to break it to you World, but we're a sociable species. We kinda sorta depend on interpersonal relationships for growth, learning, and, ya know, contact. For personal happiness, and stuff. So why are people so looked down upon for being metaphorically heartbroken when they break up with the Love of Their Life?

I get being healthy enough to not want to End Things if the above does happen, but come on - we can develop relationships with the people who serve us food, even if only in a customer-server relationship. We so easily become synced with the other people in, around, nearby, next to, upstairs, down the hall from our lives that it's just a little silly to demand that we not get latched onto someone that much. Hell, if we can't do it with the Designated Significant Other, who the hell can we do it with?

I feel like I'm trying to justify my own personal discontent when, in all honesty, I feel like I have no right to be so. But are people ever fully content? I mean, I don't wallow in self-loathing cuz I dun has someone who wants to make out with my face. I'm pretty good at just being happy in the moment, especially when there are other people there. But every so often my mind returns to the fact that I'm Single with a capital 'S' (which, yes, is part Me Not Being Proactive, blah blah blah) and there doesn't seem to be a guy brave enough to say, 'I'll do it! I'll make out with your face!'.

I really have a nice face, guys. It's pretty decent to look at, be near, even make fun of when it screws itself up and looks like a gargoyle face à la Calvin and Hobbes.

Does it all start at home? Do I need to be in a more personally secure place? Do I need to looooove myself more? Should I stop whining about my inability to find a guy and go make some sandwiches for starving hobos?

KAY I'M GONNA STOP BEING PATHETIC NOW BAAAIIIIIII.



'Sing with me, sing for the year,
sing for the laughter, sing for the tears
sing with me, just for today,
maybe tomorrow the good Lord will take you away...' - 'Dream On', Aerosmith

We Walk the Plank

Song of the Day: 'Eyes Wide Open', Gotye

It's amazing how easily I get lost in other worlds.

It's amazing how easily these other worlds affect me. The people, their problems and triumphs, growth, adventures, relationships. I spend a remarkable amount of time crying over things that don't even exist in reality, simply because of how they have affected or altered the stasis of some fictional character's life.

What the hell does that say about me?

Hell, I cry at commercials. A moving hallmark card, a sad 'ADOPT ME I'M LONELY' animal, and I'm gone. Not, you know, bawling, or anything - but I'm most definitely tearing up and it'll inevitably make me think.

That's my problem - I over-think. I overanalyze and overdo ALL the things, especially when they're not necessary. I have a hard enough time not forgetting life isn't always black and white, it doesn't help that there's so much fucking grey.

Sometimes I feel like I'm Frasier or Niles - EVERYTHING CAN BE EXPLAAAAIIIIIINED, THAT MEEEEEAAAAAANS SOMETHIIIIIIIING.

Not always necessary. Things don't have to mean... things. More than what they are. Just because there's an obvious meaning of obviousness doesn't mean that it's too simple and there has to be something deeper.

THINGS. MEANING. MEANING THINGS. ICANHASTHESAURUS.

Oy. Talk about getting caught up in another world.

Why do I do that? Why am I so discontent with the things in my own life that I look for entertainment and things about which I can emote elsewhere? Or maybe I'm looking for an escape from the things in my own life? Which would be impressive, seeing as there isn't much in my life. No guy, no job, no activity, no change.

But really, I know that's not true. I needed to write it out just so I could contradict myself. I have a fantastic family, wonderful friends, ample opportunity for entertainment from the television shows I watch and the books I read. In a few days, I'll be starting rehearsal for Beauty and the Beast which will be a fantastic experience. I'll get to hang out with people my own age as well as boss people around who are younger than me - what's not to like! Then when school starts again I'll have interesting classes, a job so I can has le monies and thus go out and DO things once in a while with my friends - hell, I'll get to see all my school friends who I haven't really talked to since May!

Piffle. There I go again. EVERYTHING MEEEAAAAAANS SOMETHING. Can't I just enjoy a damn show?

.....I can't tell if I'm arguing with myself or not.

Just to be safe, I shan't analyze the fact that the first thing I list in the 'I'm unhappy' liturgy is the lack of male companionship.

At least not here.

'I am cold, unfeeling and odd

and you should thank God

that we are on different sides of the state - 

hope you're okay...' - 'Odd', Julia Nunes

OHAITHERE

Song of the Day: 'January Wedding', The Avett Brothers

Welp, looks like THIS still exists, though they've changed the format. I forgot what it was like to have time to spend updating this. But I guess that since I gave up quite a bit of my regular sleep schedule, blogging had to go for a while too.

But now it's SUMMER and I have TIME to do things! Whether or not I have the energy is a different matter, not one that I shall be delving into at the present time.

I spend a lot of time on tumblr. It managed to take over what free time I had during the school year that I couldn't spend asleep slash didn't feel quite like working. Yaaaaay, priorities.

Other than tumblr, I keep up with various webcomics and watch television shows online, most recently Frasier. Ya know, it might just be time to get busy with activity again.

What I lack is drive. I don't wanna do things. I have little to no will to make myself get active, even when I know I'll enjoy it or it will be good for me. I have this problem with self control too. I eat what I want when I want (if we have it), and I don't limit myself. Granted, my twenties IS the time to do this - while my digestive tract can handle it - but it's just such a bad habit. Plus, sometimes I end up feeling sick, and it's hard to feel like the yummyness I ate that probably caused said discomfort is worth it.

I'm not really a goal setting person. At least, not beyond the normal things - take the right courses, don't fail any of them, graduate at some point, mayhaps get a job and my own apartment kinda thing. And those are just the long-term ones. The short term ones come easily as well - get up, eat breakfast, watch Frasier. I'm damn good at filling my days with nothingness.

But what about the other goals? Those that fall in-between the short and long term. What am I doing this summer? When will I have enough money to go get another tattoo? What books do I want to try and get read before school starts up again? When am I getting my haircut?

And what about the abstract goals, things like health and better study habits and regulating my sleeping pattern? All things that at some point will be a long term goal, but have yet to weigh enough on my conscience to get me to do a damn thing.

It's strange - it's different in the school year. I know activity comes with the fact that I have to BE places, like work and classes, and I have friends to spend my free time with. But I'm also a lot more independent, more self-sufficient. Whenever I come home, I'm in a room in my parents home, we do everyone's laundry and dishes, we share all the common areas and have to clean up after ourselves. Don't get me wrong - I love my family. I love getting to come home and spend time with them for a few months when I spend two thirds of the year galloping out of my ever-loving mind. It's a great place and environment in which I get to relax, catch up on sleep, and do nothing for a while. But it gets to a point when the nothing is too much. After so much rampant activity during the school year and to then stop dead - it shifts something. Probably my state of mind most of all, but it's so sudden that it leaves me... wanting.

I dunno. I mean, I get this way every summer and have yet to do something different. Really, I just complain and continue doing nothing cuz overall, I like it. I like watching Frasier reruns, and I like going through my iTunes and finally listening to some of the things I haven't gotten around to. I like reading my books and baking and doing easy, regular things. I guess I just wish I had a better balance of the concerts, movie nights, and going into the city for the summer. Probably the same way I wish I had more time for reading, baking, and rerun-watching during the school year.


Yeesh, it's like I'm FOREVER DISCONTENT or something.

Go figure, right? Being human and all, whodathunk.

'Fog lifts to reveal potential
for generations prophesized
our growth to be exponential
our promise finally realized.' - 'Feel it Turn', Great Big Sea

Today, Today, Today....

Song of the Day: 'Come Sail Away', Styx

Have you ever had that one song that you will alwaysalwaysalways play, regardless of your mood or where you are or who you're with? Just one of those songs that you will never skip in your iTunes or on your iPod and will always flip shit if it comes on the radio while you're listening, or something? Yeah. I love songs like that.

There are a few of which I have added to a new playlist in my iTunes called 'Always' - and I can already see this playlist blowing up into SO MANY SONGS that I won't be able to help but have mini dance parties whenever I hit play.

In other news, I've a splinter in my finger, my hands and arms are littered with scratches, and I keep finding bits of wood glue stuck under and around my nails - and I love every bit if it. Well, mayhaps not the splinter so much; it's kinda hurting. But everything else. Perpetually dirty palms, pants covered in glue, sawdust, and/or paint, even the innocuous mild stink I get after set building. Today I glued and stapled and squared and EVERYTHING and in the end I got the four base parts of some french doors. And they are damn nice french doors, if I do say so myself.

We're onto our next assignment for 179, this time designing 'A Midsummer Night's Dream'. I think I've got a pretty solid concept/theme/setting for this project, so I'm hoping it won't take me so long to get started. I've certainly already started doing research and whatnot, but I still usually leave everything til the last minute. Here's hoping some sense is knocked into me this time around!

I fell in love with the actor who played Claudio in our version of 'Much Ado About Nothing', though only after I saw him in the play. It's irritating. I should stop that.

And now it's bedtime, cuz my eyes are drooping and I'm no longer being productive or able to focus on anything. So away to bed I go!

'It's a beautiful night,

I'm looking for somethin' dumb to do...' - 'Marry You', Bruno Mars

Sunshine, Shine on Through

Song of the Day: 'Look Away', Hootie and the Blowfish

I think I sometimes surprise people.

Not all the time or anything - no one's THAT spontaneous - but just enough.

I feel like people sometimes think that it's strange how I can go from making a poop or fart joke one moment to praising the quality artwork of Jack Vettriano in the next. Things like those, which aren't related at all, shouldn't come out of my mouth with only seconds and carbon-dioxide to separate them.

But what people don't realize about me - or about anyone, really - is that I'm all of these things at once. I think and feel these things simultaneously. I can laugh myself silly from a good 'that's what she said' and still have pretentiously deep conversations about poetry.

My body isn't a very good medium for Me with a capital 'M'. The being, identity, soul that can appreciate Kurt Halsey, celtic reels, the smell of fresh baked cookies and an inside joke all within the same thought, the same breath. It's hard to encapsulate and try to keep it restrained at all, but when your only outlet is this primitive, rudimentary body, it can be heartbreakingly debilitating.

I think that's why I like tumblr so much. I follow all of these random-ass blogs that are all beautiful or funny or just fantastic to me and reblog things one after the other, a Quirky Turkey after a Star Wars comic after a pretty picture of trees after a favorited tattoo. I like all of these things pretty consistently, regardless of my current mood.

Though the other side of it is people change, too. Sure, I'll probably always have an emotional attachment to Harry Potter and always laugh at Calvin & Hobbes and always cry at particular A.A. Milne poems. But enough goes on and begins and ends in the world to allow a little leeway for people. We're allowed to change within because so much changes outside and beyond us. I guess all we can hope for is that we're consistent where it counts. Being consistently inconstant, perhaps. 

I think if you find yourself spending time with people who no longer surprise you, you're in for a dull life. I don't mean by being spontaneous or random or batshit crazy - though that's certainly fun. I mean when someone can startle you into laughing even when making a joke you've heard and made yourself a thousand times. When a song you absolutely love comes on and you still love it as much as you ever did and maybe even hear or find something in it that you hadn't before. Even the bad stuff, to an extent. When someone can piss you off enough to cause you to make a change in your life, or at least try. When you lose someone who was so close to you that the memories stay on your surface for a while and make you think or feel about things differently, even if only for a little bit.

I've said it once, I'll say it again - people are multifaceted. The idea is true no matter how you word it, but I think I use the word 'multifaceted' because it's just so aesthetically pleasing. The most I've heard it used is in relation to diamonds or jewels in general, which in itself is a nice image. But also because of the 'multi' and 'face' and 'i' and the '-ed' suffix. It's plural, it's individual, it's personal and relatable. Just a good word all around to describe people. 

'Hold on - hold on

wait! Maybe the answer's

looking for you!' - 'Hold On', Yes